Getting Back into the Dating World

I have the great good fortune to call many widows my friend. We act as sponsors, sort of, or 24 hour crisis centers. We may speak several times a week or not at all for months but it is always as if we spoke just yesterday. It has been nine years since the widow status was thrust upon me and my widow friends have counseled me through much of it. One of the many overwhelming aspects of it was the thought of dating again.
I fell into a relationship way too soon after my husband's death. It had ups and downs and eventually ended. I felt like an idiot. Like a traitor. Like I was destined to be alone. But I was 36 and still stubbornly refused to give up. I burned phone lines and cramped my hands messaging my widows, sharing stories of our forays back into this world. Below are some of the best tidbits we offered each other as far as advice and pep talks. Feel free to chime in.

                                                Getting Back into the Dating World

Making the choice to get back into the dating world is no small task. If you have managed to win the battle with any guilt issues you may be grappling with, you have already taken one of the most difficult steps. Here are some thoughts on how others before you have managed to navigate the world you are now venturing into:

-          There is a certain liberation about knowing you have already survived the unsurvivable. In an existence where silver linings can be tough to find, grab this one. Use the knowledge that you are still upright, breathing, and aware of the fact that life still holds joy in spite of your loss. Enter this new arena with confidence.

-          Online sites can be fun. Be advised, however, that a “widow” status does not deter potential suitors. I mistakenly thought the combination of that word with my less-than- warm self-description would buy me time to ease into the experience, and I could not have been more wrong.

-          Hold tight to your sense of humor.

-          Forgive yourself for any mistakes you make.

-          Be candid about your feelings, but avoid the temptation to use your date as a grief counselor.

-          Be honest with your children; how they adjust to you dating again will largely be based on your lead.

-          Have fun. Breathe. Take it slowly.

-          Any feelings of panic or new guilt, confusion, or anger are not unusual – especially if you find yourself developing feelings for someone.

-          You may be judged or receive unsolicited advice. Rise above it.

-          Have fun. Go for it. You deserve it.